and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
