I molested 6 butterflies tonight
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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