I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need water and some morals
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