i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
