I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
