Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
