why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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