I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
