did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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