they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
