did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
