I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
