Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
