she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
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Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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