That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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