sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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