Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
