I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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