Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
