i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
