his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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