Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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