Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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