I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
