I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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