I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
