If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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