I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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