I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
