That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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