You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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