i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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