and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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