the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
