Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
