I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
