Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
