you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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