i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Randomize
