new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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