you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
