Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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