I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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