I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
