im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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