i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
