On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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