You can't special order awesome
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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