running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
