I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
