omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
