I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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