you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
