I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
