You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
