He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
