Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I looked at my own cervix.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
