I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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