There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
