i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
